| JERRY SPRINGER AND SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL ARE THE SAME PERSON | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| File Clerk finds Birth Certificate under File Cabinet | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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It has now been revealed that Jerry Springer and Sally Jesse Raphael are one and the same. A file clerk for the Chicago Bureau of Statistics has confirmed the finding of a birth certificate registered in the name of "Jeroldine Jesse Springersfield", top of an old file cabinet which was found at the of the Hall Of Records, which was renovated last November, and kept under wraps until recently by a representative for Springer, who said that the findings might cause the ratings of both shows to drop. The file clerk, a Ms. Maria Rivera, showed a copy of ther birth certificate to reporters, stating that: "This whole mess has just ruined my life! I can't go anywhere now without being hounded by reporters and newspeople! Why, I feel like Monica Lewinsky...except that she at least got a cigar for compensation!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Both Sides Refuse To Comment | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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When asked about the matter in telephone interviews, Springer and Sally Jesse Raphael refused to comment. However, our reporter did notice that neither Sally nor Jerry were available to talk at the same time. Meanwhile, long-time fans of both Springer and Raphael were appalled, astonished, flabbergasted, amazed, astounded, shocked, bewildered, suprised, confused, startled, electrified, mortified, enraged, stunned.....and...well, just plain upset about the revelation! A crowd of about 200 viewers of both shows gathered around the television studios where (coincidentally) both shows are taped. "There's something fishy going on around here", one fan cried, as he tore into a submarine sandwich with relish (and a little mustard, and a lot of onions)! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| FANS RIOT IN THE STREETS | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I don't believe it!" said Mrs. Ida Fornsey, of Beavertown, Indiana. "Sally is the nicest human being I know. Well, actually, I've never met her, but I've been watching her for over 20 years, so that gives me SOME rights!" A Springer fan was livid. "There's no way that my guy Jerry could be a broad! No f**king way!" "What do you mean by that comment?" asked one of Sally's loyal viewers. "I mean that Jerry's the MAN! You know? And that Sally is a real b****!" After a few more comments, bystanders, who were fans of both shows, began to riot. One woman caused a commotion when she bared her breasts at a passing motorist, who happened to be a police officer. After this incident, the Chicago P.D. was called in to break up the rioting, and one officer was slightly injured when someone hurled a chair at his head. Just then, someone shouted that they saw Geraldo Rivera running the other way.
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